somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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