I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
