Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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