nut hugger
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
