My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
