Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
