benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
