Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
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