I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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