Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
