It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
