I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
