if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
