Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
