Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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