We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
