seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
