I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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