ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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