Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
