It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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