I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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