I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
