But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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