I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
