I need help removing her.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
