she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
