i need an iv and a liver transplant
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
