My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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