I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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