Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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