Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
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