I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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