dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
