Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
