I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
