does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
