There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
