My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
