Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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