I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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