he puts the penis in happiness.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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