then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
