I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
