I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
