so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
