6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
