i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
