I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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