woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
